Taking a break from serious issues like coach firings (Boston, Montreal, and St. Louis), the potential upcoming trade deadline of March 1, whether the NHL plays in the Olympics, and resolving the Quebec City ownership issue, we now return back to our beloved NHL soaper, “As The Coyotes Play”.
In our last episode, our beloved team, currently second last in the whole NHL and saddled with its usual bad attendance, announced that they would be moving into the third smallest arena in the NHL, ahead of only Winnipeg and the New York Islanders to be built in Tempe, Arizona, another suburb of Phoenix. This “encouraging” news came after the announcement in the second-last episode, by the Coyotes current wife, Glendale, when the city council told the team that they would rather sleep in the empty bed of a vacant arena with no tenant and that the marriage was over at last.
“Fine!” said the Coyotes, “We’ve got a new love, Tempe, and we don’t need you either.” But now in our current episode, we find that Tempe doesn’t want a lame-duck lover either and figures that spending that kind of money for a new arena is not worth it. So now the Coyotes are washed up in both the east side and west side of Phoenix. As we move to our first commercial break we end the first segment with the Coyotes publicly denying that they were seen flirting with those western hookers, Portland and Seattle.
When we return to part two of our current episode, we see three eastern beauties, Hamilton, Quebec, and Hartford weeping and consoling each other. That black hearted villain, NHL, led by the cruel Gary Bettman has forbidden any western conference NHL team to move east because it will upset the conference imbalance still further. Hamilton which tried to have a passionate love affair with the Coyotes a few years ago and was willing to spend $50 million to upgrade its arena, is particularly desolate, torn apart like Juliet from Romeo. Hamilton has also been told by two of Bettman’s evil henchmen, Toronto and Buffalo, that any attempt to rekindle that love affair will mean settling with them first to the tune of a pretty penny.
Now we turn to Quebec City, seeking a legitimate owner, after the unsuitable Pierre Karl Peladeau of would-be wooer Quebecor, made unacceptable racist remarks about NHL Board member Geoff Molson, owner of the Montreal Canadiens and also tried to obstruct the business dealings of one of Molson’s closest friends. We also see Commissioner Bettman sneaking around in the dark shadows behind the scenes, desperately searching for that acceptable French Canadian, non-racist owner who has $500 million to spend. He is also secretly probably willing for Quebec to get an existing franchise that is either having a failing marriage with its fans, or existing in a run-down arena, by relocation instead of expansion, but he remains adamant: A new wife for Quebec City by relocation must be an eastern girl. So the obvious solution for unwanted Coyotes, and love-starved Quebec cannot occur.
Finally we read that Hartford, that widowed city that lost its husband, the Whalers like Quebec and Winnipeg in the 1990s is willing to spend $250 million to upgrade its arena. Alas, despite Hartford spending all this money on a facelift to regain its attractive looks and revive its supposedly ended marriage, we cannot expect a miraculous transformation of a western Coyote into an eastern Whale for the same harsh reasons given to Quebec. Time for another commercial break.
When we return, we approach the cliff-hanging climax of this current episode. We see that new lovely dessert daughter, Las Vegas about to come to her wedding day with the man of her dreams, the Golden Knights. We see owner Bill Foley, putting down a newspaper after reading about the unhappy, unwanted situation of the Golden Knights dessert cousin, the Coyotes. Is that a look of doubt and fear on his face about his daughter’s future marriage? We cut to a close-up of Commissioner Bettman, formerly full of joy after receiving a $500 million pre-nuptial gift. Is that a look of anxiety in his eyes? The fear of having another Arizona on his hands?
Meanwhile an Arizona senator wants to introduce a bill in the state legislature to help the Coyotes build a new $395 million arena. But where? Who wants this team?
But the episode ends on a happy note. Auston Matthews, the new savior of the Toronto Maple Leafs may be the only good legacy to come out the whole Arizona Coyotes soap opera when the series is permanently canceled.
That fate could happen soon if the Coyotes don’t find a new love somewhere within Phoenix. Keep watching in the future for another exciting episode of “As The Coyotes Play”.